Changing Directions

So, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. And honestly, I’ve started this post several times… but wasn’t sure where it would take me and how much it mattered.

But, I’ve decided that I don’t really care where it takes me and the fact that it matters to me is enough. There are things I need to get off my chest, loads of thoughts and feelings that I’m constantly reconciling, and basically heaps of shitty news that constantly compound each other.

And no, I’m not talking about all the mass shootings and terror attacks… but who knows, we might go there. I’m talking about a much smaller struggle, relatively, but it’s so close and personal that it currently seems insurmountable. I’m talking about Jason and my fertility struggle.

If you followed the blog back in September, you know that we experienced a loss due to miscarriage in early July. Well, the news hasn’t gotten much better since then. In fact, yesterday I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist and the “s” word was thrown around – no, not sex… surgery. Shit!

Each appointment and discovery of bad news only compounds the loss from the miscarriage.

It makes us question – was that our one shot?

We’ve got some friends who are due around the same time we were, which make us wonder – why were they chosen for joy, and we were given sorrow?

People, this is some tough shit. I think about it multiple times daily and I know Jason does too. I don’t wish it on anyone.

So buckle your seat belts, followers, and prepare to join us on this bumpy ride. If you are uncomfortable with talk of ovaries, periods, and conception, then you might want to stay away. I’m planning to be as open and unfiltered as possible – this is real life and sometimes it feels like a living hell of appointments, hopes, and disappointments. I hope that this doesn’t come across as a bitch-fest or my saying that these are the worst problems anyone could encounter… trust me, I know that it’s not! But I also know that I’m not alone in this… the more I talk about it, the more I realize that. I’m aiming to provide just one of countless perspectives from this side of the conception fence. While everyone’s journey is unique, the emotions along the way are similar and we’ll find comfort and strength in those similarities.

So, what’s up next? Some topics I hope to explore are:

  • My perspective on the viral Facebook post warning family, friends and acquaintances not to ask about reproductive plans
  • What’s happened since July (what’s up with the reproductive endocrinologist referral?)
  • Is hope a positive of negative thing?
  • How being an IRONMAN factors into all of this (yes, I’ll aim to keep the “triathlon” vibe where possible, as I believe it does have some, at least mental and emotional, significance)
  • And other updates on our path to parenthood

TriGirlTri just took on a whole new meaning.

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