About a week ago, Jason and I learned that we’ll be adding a little boy to our household on September. And I’ll be honest, that news has taken a little while to sink in.
It’s not that I’m not happy. Trust me, I am. But I’ve had to do a little… let’s say, readjusting.
You see, I have one sister-in-law with two sons. My other sister-in-law is about 26 weeks pregnant with her first son. From day one, my mom was convinced I was having a girl. I was convinced I was having a girl and that she would be the first in Jason’s family and the first grandchild in mine!
In the week before the anatomy scan, I became a little less convinced about whether I was carrying a boy or a girl, but I can tell you now that I know where I was truly leaning.
So, April 14th finally arrived and we get to the doctor’s office. I watched my favorite sonographer take some other patients back and resigned myself to having the less preferable, difficult to understand woman. Instead, a new woman came to great us. She seemed nice enough. She walked us through her process – which was typically to check for the gender last. “No big deal,” or so I thought.
I laid there for about 30 minutes as she poked and prodded, showing us every little bit of our baby’s anatomy, except what was between his legs. Sure, it was interesting, especially for Jason, who is currently taking Anatomy and Physiology. When he mentioned that, it brought up the topic of PT school, to which the sonographer offered up her unwanted, negative opinion of the WSSU PT Program, where Jason plans to apply in January, and a long diatribe about her daughter’s troubles as a student there. Thanks lady, could we get back to the baby now?
When she finally turned back to me, she was looking for one more good image of the aortic arches, but the baby wasn’t in a good position. She had me get up and use the restroom to see if he would move. At this point, I was getting anxious and also a little nervous that he wouldn’t be in a good position to check out the between-the-leg area as well. However, as I had lied there for at least 30 minutes, she had scanned down to the nether regions at least once or twice, and I hadn’t seen anything… did that mean anything? Girl maybe? The suspense was not fun!
With an empty bladder, I returned to the table to see that little movement had occurred. However, after rocking my stomach back and forth the sonographer got her picture and it was finally time for the moment of truth. I realized I was holding my breath and tense everywhere. Then, we saw it. The little “turtle” sticking out between two little legs.
It was a boy!
It was only at this point that I realized I hadn’t really considered or visualized life with a baby boy. All of the images in my head up until that point had apparently either been a baby girl, or a little amorphous, gender-neutral baby.
I’m so thankful that it was just Jason and I in that room and that we found out together, without anyone else. It gave us time to process and create new visualizations. Honestly, I’m pretty sure he was at least expecting, if not hoping for a girl as well.
Hoping for… doesn’t that sound a little horrible in this context? But that’s what we ask. I wasn’t crazy about answering that question outright before the scan, and certainly not now. It wasn’t so much a “hope.” It’s not like my dreams are dashed. It’s just different.
I’d envisioned a little girl. Maybe because I’m a girl, and even though I expected the “angsty” teen mother-daughter relationship, I’d been through that myself and expected I could handle it from the other end. I thought about the braids and bows and dos I would do. In a way, I guess it was more comfortable.
In some ways, it was likely more comfortable for Jason too. Girls naturally gravitate to their daddys – that relationship is easy. With a boy, he’ll have to work harder to communicate, show emotion, be vulnerable, etc.
If you’ve found yourself feeling this way, it’s certainly helpful to know you aren’t alone, you aren’t a horrible person, and that you should talk about it. Jason and I talked briefly at the doctor’s office, but then headed our separate ways to work. I promptly removed anything girly from my Pinterest board and registry and began searching for little boy things – damn there’s some cute stuff! That started the visualizations – a trendy, hipster little man with cool, spikey hairdos and awesome Chuck Taylor kicks.
That night, we talked some more. I’d been feeling particularly horrible about my feelings, but it was a relief to be able to share them with Jason and even have them validated. He said something along the lines of, “For me, not a whole lot of my expectations have changed. We’ll still do sports, Star Wars and dinosaurs, we were going to do that anyway. Now, I’ll have to work a little harder on the relationship, but you won’t. Little boys love their moms. We’ll teach him to be a good man, to be kind to women…”
Yup! That was what I needed to hear. The thought about teaching him to be good to women, was something that had entered my mind. With a girl, I thought I’d be able to demonstrate by example the power, endurance, and capacity that women have. Now, I’ll get to do that a different way, and in some ways be the yard stick by which he measures women – no bimbos here, only women of substance, powerful women, perhaps IRON(WO)MEN? Ha!
Anywho, you’re probably thinking… Come on, Jenn! Just 5 months ago you were worried about even being able to get pregnant and have a child. Now, you want to be picky about the gender?! Yea, you’re right. This whole fertility and pregnancy stuff has truly shown me (the control freak) how much control I don’t have – probably a good lesson to learn before this little man enters my world. If you’d told me as soon as I’d taken that pregnancy test that I was having a boy, I’d have been ecstatic and started envisioning him from the start. It’s just that the last 18 weeks or so have given me time to think other thoughts, ones I supposed I was more comfortable with.
But, I can tell you that with each passing day, I’m more and more excited to meet this little guy. The sting of not getting to do all the braids, bows, and dos just yet is fading and I’m looking more and more forward to the dinos and the trucks and the trains… and mostly those little prepster, hipster outfits!